By: K. Denise Richardson
Earlier last week the NY Times made a statement that was all but far from the truth. “The less stable the relationship, the less likely you’ll gain
weight because the chance that you’ll be out there, back on the market, is greater, and thus, the need to be attractive once again is heightened.”
As a woman who has had her share of “unstable relationships” I have always been in shape. I guess that’s a good thing. It’s been almost a year since I got some stability and I will admit that I’m not thin as I once was. HOWEVER I caught myself slipping and I had to rectify the situation. A couple that stays fine, stays together I believe. No one wants to look over one day and see that their partner has a breast on his or her back. That’s not what’s supposed to be happening. It happens to the best of us. You get in a relationship, you get comfortable. You order take out. You go out to dinner. You cuddle on the couch and drink together. Calories calories calories. All your extra time that would normally be spent in the gym is spent with your boo. And I don’t care what anyone tells you, “exercising in the bedroom” DOES NOT burn more calories that running 4 miles. I don’t care who you are or what tricks you know. Just because you’ve found love doesn’t mean your waistline has to suffer. Keep it tight. Not for him, but for you. Remain the same chick he fell in love with. That’s you. Now on the flip side, I have been witnessing first hand and from a few of my friends, how their men are trying to make their girls “thicker.” I’m sorry but where they do that at? In the good ole South, that’s where. What in world kind of sense does this make? I am not a video “vixen” (I use that term loosely) and I never will be. Since when did size 15 jeans and a silicone butt become sexy?!? That’s unnatural. I was not fat when we met, I’m not fat now, but you want me to gain weight? I’m sorry I give you a no-can-do with that request. I’ve never been happy out of shape and I’ll never be stick thin. I will however, continue to be in the best shape I can and be content with my curves and my toned physqiue. If you like fat girls, why are we together? On to the next one.
My girls would have a friend-ter-vention real quick if they were to see me sporting extra rolls where they should not be, which brings me to my next point. I see this WAY too often. Women get in relationships and lose their girls. Real friendship is a hard thing to come by. I can honestly say that I have real friends, and I couldn’t imagine life without them. We possess the dynamic where we don’t have to sugarcoat an issue to appease your feelings. Of course we care about each other’s feelings, but sometimes they get in the way of receiving the point. I will confess that I think it’s great when the 5 of us have that guy because then we all understand that we will talk a little less and what one is going through just maybe another one of us is going through it too.
Please believe, I solicit advice from people who I know, love and trust. Too many times I hear “Don’t take advice from single people if you’re in a relationship.” I’m sorry but just because you have a man DOES NOT make you an expert on my relationship when you don’t know me and your man is cheating on you. So shut your face!! There is no reason I can’t talk to MY best friend about a situation bothering me because her boyfriend got schizophrenic on her and she dropped his crazy ass. That’s ridiculous! I will add though that everything doesn’t need to be shared. Learn some discretion. It’s ok to seek some advice from those who have your best interest at heart or just to talk about how you feel, but rattling off a laundry list of happenings in your relationship is just not ok. Another problem I see is that women often fix their problems by talking to their friends instead of talking their man. That’s a NO-GO. You are in a relationship with him. Relation that ship before it sinks, and your girl is the only one you’re talking to. There is a balance that must be maintained between your significant other and your girls. Each should have their space in your heart and in your life, without cancelling out the other. So if your man is slowly creeping in and cutting off the time you spend with your friends, you better check him! “I had these friends before you and they will be there if you decide to leave.” A movie night or a spa day every so often never hurt anyone, and if he’s hurt he needs to re-evaluate his life and get some friends of his own because he’s being foolish.
My last and most important point is ambition. Momma ain’t raise no fool. Put me anywhere on God’s green earth, I’ll triple my worth. Hov never uttered truer words. I can’t ever fathom myself losing. Even when I’m down and out, I’m closer to my dream than yesterday. I don’t see anyone, boyfriend included, ever ruining that for me. I’ve surrounded myself with likeminded individuals (doctor, lawyer, dentist, psychologist) and we’re all on a mission. You’ve heard the story: Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Girl gives up her life to support him and raise the kids. Boy leaves girl. Girl has nothing and has to start from scratch. Whoever wrote this script can kick rocks. Granted your ambitions may change. You may realize that taking care of your kids is all you want to do and being a lawyer no longer excites you. That’s fine, because you’re doing that for you. You’re happy with that. You and God have a plan for your life and no one who loves you would even let you sacrifice that for them. Jamie Foxx said it best, I love her cuz she got her own. So get your own and KEEP your own. Who wants someone sitting at the table if you’re not bringing anything to it but a fork and knife?
Don’t get me wrong. Falling asleep in your hair wrap, having your own toothbrush or drawer, and walking around makeupless are signs of comfort. I’m speaking to the core values of why this person decided that they wanted you solely for them self. Your appearance, your friends and your ambitions inevitably make you who you are and why your significant other decided to wife you up (male or female). You should always be whole before you take on another half. You should love what you see when you look in the mirror, love the people you surround yourself and ultimately love your life. No one should ever enter a relationship looking for fulfillment. I started my relationship as a woman with a great figure, a plan for my future, and my girls by my side. That was me, and that will always be me. Not for anyone else but for me. I understand being flexible and adapting to your surroundings. But my surroundings should never cause me to gain 15lbs and becoming a recluse. I suggest you don’t get too comfortable. Keep your foundation and what makes you YOU. That’s who they fell in love with. Always keep your stock value high. There’s nothing worth losing yourself over, relationship included.